If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
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Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies