If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
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Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Grandmother clock.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom