The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
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True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.