Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
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“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something