Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
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[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager