Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
You Might Also Like
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
My therapist after every session
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
“How’s your day going?”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!