Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
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When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Husband of the year 😂
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I would move hell over six inches for you
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.