“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
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Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.