Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
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boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.