waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
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I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I’m too immature for adultery.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?