SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
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i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice