“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
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VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
this isn’t threatening at all
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?