Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
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Try Facebook.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*