In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
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Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.