Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
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Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.