Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
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Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?