[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
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A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.