8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
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A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Watermelon Boss!
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
They did not think through this water fountain
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird