[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
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When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I have never related to a cat more
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
My first child will be named New Folder.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.