My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
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I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On