Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
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My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.