Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
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Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I would move hell over six inches for you
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy