I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
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Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
My therapist after every session
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)