Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
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Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family