You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
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I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.