Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
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If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
my dog when i have a friend over
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care