pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
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I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
*Seductively hides in the woods
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
what are they serving at kfc then???
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.