Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
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The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Saturday
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.