astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
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I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Breaking news:
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.