This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
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Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.