A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
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If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
our love story in four pictures
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.