911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
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this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.