Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
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* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Me too door. Me too.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*