It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
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If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese