*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
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What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.