Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
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I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I feel it
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
much to think about
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.