*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
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I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”