It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Current mood: Potato
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.