I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
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Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Sign at work today
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Spring of Deception
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
🤣🤣🤣
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]