Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
You Might Also Like
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this