If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
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Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.