old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
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How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to