Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
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[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up