The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
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So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Dietest Coke
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.