Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
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Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
🤣dope
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Realize this:
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.