I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
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Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
🤣🤣💀
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.