“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
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[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs