[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
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First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.