Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
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I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
My first child will be named New Folder.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck