I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
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GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
HOW DARE YOU
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.